I was pregnant with Azuri before Careira so was familiar with the notion of morning sickness or nausea but what was to come was more horrifying than I could ever imagine or prepare myself for.
We returned from a family holiday to Zanzibar in January 2017. Azuri, our first daughter was just over two years old. I was often nauseas during our holiday, so much so, that I missed Christmas dinner because of it. I thought I had food poisoning or had just picked up a bug. Unbeknownst to me a little angel had found her place in my tummy and was oh so comfortable while I grew more and more uncomfortable by the day.
We returned on a Sunday morning and my gynae (the ever popular Sagi Naidu) was closed but I messaged him to say that I needed to see him urgently and that I was throwing up incessantly.
After laying on the cold bed in his room for a few minutes my fears and anxieties settled. A loud, continuous thump rang through the ultrasound machine confirming our precious little baby’s heartbeat. Even as I type this out now I have tears in my eyes and a huge lump in my throat. We didn’t plan our second child. For those of you that know me, I’m 36 years old and an only child myself, so one child was good enough for me but affirming my belief that God always knows best was the powerful heartbeat I heard that morning.
The next six months were absolute hell. I threw up about six times a day, was hospitalized for dehydration and put on meds to help with the nausea which made me very drowsy. I couldn’t sleep (due to insomnia), threw up most of what I ate and drank, and suffered with serious fatigue. I spent my days throwing up, showering and sleeping. I was utterly depressed as I couldn’t connect with my toddler the way she needed me to or the way I yearned to. I couldn’t change her nappies because most odors made me nauseas. I couldn’t feed her…again because of the smell of food. I couldn’t play with her the way I usually did as I had very little or no energy. I pined for her. I missed bathing her and rubbing her little toes. I missed carrying her and feeling her warm face against my chest. I was hurting but had to pretend that I was fine so that she would be fine. That was sometimes more challenging than the physical illness.
I got up one morning at about 2 am and sat in our lounge after yet another bout of nausea. I was crying as at that point not only was I physically and mentally exhausted, I also didn’t feel like myself anymore. I couldn’t work at our office (which is 2 floors down from the penthouse we live in) as I was too busy throwing up to sit through a consult let alone concentrate. My extremely competent, caring pa Vanessa ran my office for that entire period and for that I am still very grateful.
I heard my daughter’s footsteps before I saw her as my eyes were closed from crying so much and my head pounded. She snuggled silently next to me looking at me sadly. My first daughter understands and knows me in a way very few people do. I almost feel as if we knew each other in a previous life as our connection is spiritually deep. She squeezed my hand and with tears running down her face said in her soft, sweet voice, “don’t worry mum it will be okay”. I bawled. I cried to see her crying and I cried because I knew she deserved to much more from me. I felt like an absolute failure. I closed my eyes and started praying. I said “God you created me. You blessed me with this beautiful child but I can’t be there for her or my family the way they need me. Please show me what you want me to do and where you want me to go. My eyes remained closed while my daughter held my hand when I had a vison of me speaking on a stage to a group of women, telling them about my experience. It was surreal but beautiful.
I knew then that not only was I going to give birth to a healthy, beautiful baby but that her birth was going to be my re birth. I knew that I was going to start motivational speaking after years of wanting to but never quite making time to. And I knew that my life was going to change drastically for the better. I just had to believe in myself again.
I made a decision to start reading all the motivational books I had bought but didn’t complete reading and listening to all the videos I had stored. With every book that I read and video that I watched a passion developed in me to share what I was learning. I chose a date that morning to host my own motivational talk. I chose the 17th February 2018 which as 6 months away. I didn’t how I was going to put it all together with a newborn and toddler but I knew I had to…for my spirit and sanity.
I advertised my talk only on social media and was sold out within a month. I loved every minute of sharing my truth with the amazing women that attended that talk and knew than that I would always honor my spirit and follow my inner voice for its guidance is deeply comforting.
Your inner voice, or spirit guide – depending on your choice of description – is deeply seated within you and knows all the answers. All you have to do is quiet yourself enough to connect with it. When God offers you an idea via a vision or thought and your soul ignites, act on it. You may not know how you’re going to do it but you always know why and that’s all you need to move to your next level. If you wait too long or use excuses to deny yourself your birthright to greatness God will give the opportunity to someone else that is ready. Choose to honor your spirit and heed your calling. It always knows best!