Life after loss

You know my story. It’s not something I choose to hide. I have been overwhelmed with messages of how I have overcome it all and manage to live the life I live now. The truth is that I never overcame anything. It is how I chose to manage and adjust my mindset that allowed me to cope and live with my pain.

I know that I have been quiet and I do apologise for it. There is so much heartbreak and devastation in my world right now that I am finding it a bit difficult to process it all . When unfortunate things happen, my mind goes numb and I am unable to write which has been my release through it all.

Today is Stillbirth and Infant Loss Remembrance day. At 7pm tonight mothers and fathers all over the world light a candle to remember, acknowledge and celebrate the babies that had to leave too soon.

I found out that I was pregnant in September 2008, the following month was Diwali and my whole family were so excited about the new addition. I was treated like a princess, no one wanted me to exert myself in any way because my job was solely to grow this baby. In Jan my dreams were shattered. Saying all this after having three beautiful and healthy children does not mean that I don’t appreciate what I have. I thank my lucky stars daily for my daughters. They are my world.

Pregnancy to me , means bringing a new life into this world, That is the result of nine months in the womb so when it is short lived, it causes many emotional and psychological issues. The abrupt and very traumatising ending of my pregnancy still haunts me to do this day. No amount of counselling and professional care could help me. There was one of person, a very close friend of mine, who is basically my very ‘unofficial’ best friend now. She was the only person who just sat beside me without pushing me to talk about the way I felt. Eventually when I was ready to talk about it and process it , I was most comfortable to turn to her to open up about it. I never actually thanked this person because our friendship doesn’t work that way but Sohana, if you are reading my blog , know that words cannot express what you have done for me. You are one in a million and I am lucky to have someone who matches my crazy and raises it all the time.

I know that pain is inevitable and rife and there are so many women dealing with the pain of loss. As a friend or family member my advice to you with dealing with someone experiences the loss of a pregnancy is be present but don’t hover. Allow her to process and grieve. Don’t disregard the pregnancy like it never existed. Allow the grieving mom to speak about her loss and to acknowledge her baby even if she has to cry , just be there to listen. I lived with the grief for over eight years before I actually was ready to talk abut it and deal with it. Everyone around me walked on eggshells treating me like I was fragile or avoiding me because they didn’t know what to say to me. This hurt.

Tonight I will light my candle celebrating a life that was too special for this world. There will probably be lots of tears as I do this but in this moment I will acknowledge my sleeping baby who I never got to meet and I will thank him for making me strong and helping me grow into who I am today.

I am sending so much strength and love to all the moms who are hurting and feeling pain remembering their experiences today. You will be ok but in the meantime know that you are not alone.