As I celebrate over two years of a very fruitful marketing business. I must not forget my purpose or why I began my blog and journey into the world of social media. In August 2016 I decided to share my most personal and painful experience with you. It was the first step that I took in healing myself and regaining control of my own life. I read this story today and the tears still roll down my face uncontrollably. The difference now is that I know the impact my story of loss has made to the lives of so many others that had experienced similar difficulties. I know that from my darkness that I managed to create light and I have seen how magic happens when you share a piece of your soul. When I initially shared my story I was left feeling vulnerable and naked by exposing myself in such a way. This year I mourned ten years since my loss and it is a feeling that stilll burns. I may have not been granted the blessing of life with my first baby but I now realise that our purpose was far greater. In the depths of my sadness I found a way to express myself and that marked the beginning of me making my mark in this world. As I relaunch my brand two and a half years later I decided to start at the very beginning by sharing my story with you. Today I stand before you as a strong woman with a purpose. I have lived through some exceptionally trying experiences and not only have I survived but I have thrived. I am not as broken as I was when I wrote this story out but I still wear my scars openly as I walk through life. I have learned to live in every moment and appreciate every blessing that I have been given. I take no one and nothing for granted because I am entitled to nothing and nothing is promised to us. This experience serves as my constant reminder.
On the 19th January 2009, I began to live out the worst nightmare of all. I was twenty weeks pregnant and was admitted to hospital the night before. I had excessive pain due to gallstones.
On that morning I went for an ultrasound of my gallbladder to determine whether it could be removed at that stage of the pregnancy. I remember clearly asking the technician if she could do a scan so that I could ogle at my baby for a few seconds. She agreed and I remember looking at the screen and thinking to myself, that my baby must be tired and having a rest. He appeared to be still and in all previous scans there was always alot of movement. The technician excused herself while I was still looking and admiring my baby on the screen. A doctor came into the room a few seconds later and he asked me if this was my first pregnancy. I smiled proudly and nodded to him. His exact words still haunt me to this day “So sorry but there is no heart beat”. I was alone in that room at the time and apparently I shrieked in horror although I honestly don’t even remember that.
I was taken to see my obstetrician immediately. He then proceeded to tell us that our baby had suffered an intrauterine death. This was possibly for as long as up to a week ago. For those of you, who like me at the time that did not know what this meant, it is when the baby dies within the womb due to a complication and your body doesn’t recognise that this has happened. This results in your body still believing that you are pregnant and not having any signs of labour or releasing the pregnancy. If you are a doctor and reading this please do not be offended by my descriptions as this is the only way it has made me come to understand of the things that happened.
The next 2 days were absolute hell as the doctors and nurses tried to induce labour. In the very early hours of January 21 2009, my body eventually complied and I delivered my sleeping baby. Oh, how my heart still bleeds when I think of that time. I was not allowed to see my baby because the medical team attending to me felt it was for the best.
Pregnancy is supposed to be the happiest time, the responsibility and excitement of bringing a new life into the world. It was the exact opposite for me at that time. I had no intention of sharing so much of my story but I know that in my heart it’s the right thing to do because somewhere out there someone may be going through something similar. My hope is that my story is able to help heal someone else’s pain.
The day I was discharged, the nurse came to me with a document to sign. The document included details giving the hospital permission to incinerate my baby. My heart breaks a million times over everytime that I think of those words. All my dreams were shattered right then and there. I realised that everything that I have planned for the days, weeks and months leading up to the birth were all gone.
I had become a complete zombie, just living through the motions of daily life. I had no appetite for food or life. I just wanted to be alone. As if I didn’t feel bad enough, after the third day, my body was still functioning as if I had given birth and I had begun lactating. It felt as if my body was making fun of me. I didn’t want to see or speak to anyone. I just wanted to be alone.
I’m writing this so that if you are going through or went through something similar that you know that you are not alone. Even if you are not ready to talk or be in contact with anyone. As painful as what I’m about to say to you is, just know that you will be okay.
Grief works differently for everyone and there is no right way to do it. I was not ready to talk about this for years and years. Take your time, only you know whether you are feeling better. Even though I have been blessed with other children, I still mourn my loss up to this day . Each child is different and they can’t be replaced by another.
I know the main aim of this blog is to promote fitness and fun but I wanted to focus on this topic today so that it can make a difference.I don’t want sympathy from this.
To the mummy reading this right now, who unfortunately can relate to my story:
Please know that it’s okay to cry and breakdown. You have to fall apart before you are ever able to come together again. When you do eventually come together and you know that you will never be exactly who you were before, know that you will carry that little soul with you everywhere, always, and even when you have other children, you will have silent moments that only you can understand that will remind you of your special sleeping child. If you going through something similar and it feels like the end of the world right now, just know that you are going to come out so much stronger from this and you will be able to handle whatever else life can throw at you and you still will prevail. For now, take this time to heal and to remember. Absorb all that you are going through and I hope that this message helps. Even if it helps in the slightest, know that you will be okay. I promise. ￼￼￼